I’m still thinking about an interesting experience I had a few hours ago. I went to a local garden center this afternoon to get some fall plants and bird seed. When I got to the register, the cashier asked me for my club card. I emptied my wallet twice and went through every card while trying to find it, but didn’t have any luck. Since I was unable to find it, the cashier looked up my card number and I completed my purchase. As I was pushing my cart to my car, I heard someone yelling, “Ma’am? Ma’am?” I turned around and saw the cashier running up to me asking, “Is this yours? Did you drop it?” It was a wad of money, folded in a particular way. I thought, “Oh my gosh, seriously? Did I really drop a wad of cash on the ground?” So I said, “Let me check. If my wallet is empty, that’s definitely mine.” I reached for my purse, opened my wallet and saw money in there. Seeing that money in my wallet caused me to have a moment of doubt, so I asked her to show me the money she found. She did so somewhat reluctantly it seemed (she hesitated and I got a feeling like she thought I might change my answer based on the amount of money she showed me). She took the money out and I saw a $20 bill on top. She unfolded it and showed me all the bills quickly: at least one $20 bill, at least one $10 bill and several $1 bills. I was almost certain it was mine, but I couldn’t figure out where it came from (my wallet, my purse, my pants pocket) so I said, “I can’t be totally certain that it is mine.” She looked at me and said, “Well, thank you for being honest.” She walked back to the store.

I drove away and, by the time I got home, I knew with certainty that the money was mine. The garden center wasn’t crowded at all, so few people wad up money like that, and people generally aren’t that careless with it. I also remembered what I purchased recently that gave me so many single bills back. So I unloaded the plants I bought and filled the bird feeder, wondering whether I should go back to try to claim it. I didn’t want to go back to the garden center because I had so many other errands to run, and it was hot and I was over-heated anyway. But I was also having a lot of internal dialogue about how careless it was for me to drop money and then not recognize it when it was presented to me. I thought that, at a minimum it was about $35 I dropped, but I wasn’t sure how many twenty dollar bills she showed me, so it could be more like $75. Not going back for that would be irresponsible.

I appreciated the cashier’s good deed and made myself feel better about retrieving it by deciding that I would reward her when she gave it back to me. On the way back to the garden center, I wondered if I should keep the $20 bill or bills (I couldn’t remember if there was one or more) and give her the rest, or if I should keep the small bills (which I always seem to need but never seem to have) and give her at least $20. I decided that giving her more than $20 would be a little bit over-the-top, but I didn’t think that giving her $20 would be too much.

When I went back to the garden center, I didn’t see the cashier anywhere. I stood around for a while, then walked around and eventually found her stocking indoor plants. She looked up and immediately recognized me. She had a weird, surprised look on her face. I told her that I was certain that the money was mine. She said, “Oh, OK.” She walked very slowly to a back room with a weird energy of resistance. Questions were coming up in my mind like, “Why is she being weird? Why is she walking so slow? Why is she walking to a back room? Shouldn’t they be actively looking for the owner of the money? Shouldn’t the cash be up at the front so they can give it back to the owner when she comes in saying she dropped it there?” She went into an office and I stood outside the door. I didn’t look in because, by that time, I was starting to wonder if the money was in her purse. I heard her unlock a drawer. It took a very long time. She finally came out and I told her that I recognized the “signature pattern” of the money, the way it was folded, as mine. And, since she found it right where I was standing and emptying my wallet, purse and pockets when looking for my club card, I was sure it was mine. I asked her to show it to me again. She held the money out and showed it to me: one $10 and six $1 bills. This time there were NO TWENTYS. My heart sank. I said, “Yes, it’s mine. Thank you.” She handed it to me. She had a weird look on her face. I looked at her and handed the money back to her. She looked at me with a puzzled look on her face. I said, “I’m giving it to you as a reward for your good deed.” Her eyes got wide and her face told me everything I needed to know. I left.

To the cashier who found my money: If you happen to be reading this, thank you for finding, and attempting to return my money in full the first time. I was honest with you when I said that I wasn’t sure the money was mine, and I was honest with you when I said I was certain it was mine.

I’m not the ethics police, but the amount of money that you returned to me was not the same amount that you found. I have no way of knowing if you told anyone else (except me) that you found money. I don’t know if you thought the money’s owner would never come back to claim it. I am not sure if you intended to keep the money, or if you thought I missed seeing that $20 bill on the outside of the stack. The $20 bill on the outside of that money wad matches the way I, well, wad up/fold my money, so that’s how I knew it was mine.

I did notice that money was missing when you gave it back to me, but I didn’t say anything. I was disappointed but I didn’t feel the need to confront you about it. I did feel the weirdness in the air when you gave me an amount less than I lost, and I did see the puzzled look on your face when I gave you a reward anyway.

I try to follow the Golden Rule. I try to treat others the way I would like to be treated. You took money from me, and that is unfortunate. But you originally tried to give it back to me. That was an act of kindness. I gave you all the money you returned to me to show you my gratitude for your good deed.

We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves. - H.H. The Dalai Lama

In my last post, I talked about the global chaotic times in which we're living. And the chaos is happening on both the macro and micro levels. On the smaller scale, there is a feeling of chaos and disconnection in our relationships with other human beings. I don't think there's any question that many of us face some sort of feeling of separation or difference between ourselves and others very frequently. We encounter and experience any number of interpersonal problems often, if not on a daily basis: rudeness, fighting, power imbalances, belittling, poor communication, domestic violence, insults, neglect, bullying, discrimination, hatred, road rage, internet trolls, untruths and/or political differences. These issues and others contribute to the emotional and psychological climate of stress and anxiety I mentioned in my previous post. I believe that these problems and attitudes also contribute to our individual and collective negative perceptions and feelings of separation, fear, mistrust and even hatred of our fellow human beings.

So, in our own little worlds, and in this stressful climate, it can be easy to be petty rather than kind to another person. It can be tempting to want to lash out at someone (or even do it) rather than take a deep breath and find your patience. It can be easy to judge a stranger and focus on how they are different from you, rather than look for the ways you are the same.

These thoughts and actions -- petty or kind, harsh or patient, judgemental or empathetic -- are contributions that we make to the world every day. If you choose to act or think one way, you contribute to the anger, fear and division among all of us. If you choose to act or think the other way, you contribute to the connection, compassion and understanding among all of us. Generally, the first is the path of separation; the second is the path of wholeness. I believe that the former is a problem (or at least one of them) and the latter is a solution.

I'm sure you're familiar with the saying, "You can be part of the problem, or part of the solution." If you are reading this blog, I imagine that you would rather choose to be part of the solution. So this is the first in a series of posts on being the solution to this rampant disconnection from, and lack of compassion for, our fellow human beings.

We all know that mean people suck, but sometimes it can be difficult to avoid being one of them. Being mean, rude and impatient can be the easy choice, especially in this stressful climate, and being kind when you feel like others aren't doing the same can be very difficult. We can still be part of the solution by becoming more aware and making an effort to contribute to a more peaceful world.

So I'm starting this series off with the topics of self-love and self-respect. These inward-focused practices set the foundation for love, kindness, sympathy and compassion for others. But in order to have any successful relationship with another person, you have to love and respect yourself first.

David Richo wrote some thoughts on self-respect and lovingkindness in his collection Human Becoming, and I will share some of them below. In an excerpt from that collection, titled "Building Self-Respect and Lovingkindness", Richo writes, "The practice of loving-kindness recommends sending/giving/wishing love, compassion, joy and equanimity to ourselves and others. We beam each of the four in turn, first to ourselves, then to those we love, those toward whom we are indifferent, those with whom we have difficulties or who are enemies, and finally toward all people everywhere."

To be clear, the goal here isn't to strive to love everyone; the goal is to be part of the solution by taking steps that lead toward having compassion for ourselves and others.

And so we start with ourselves. You can use Dr. Richo's thoughts on self-love below as meditations or affirmations. You can ponder one thought each day, each week or even longer, until you feel like you embody the virtue. You can read them or say them aloud each day as aspirations or affirmations. You can use them as a checklist to chart your progress on your path to self-love.

Thoughts/Meditations on building self-love and self-respect:

- More and more, I say "yes" to the givens of human life: Everything will change and end; things will not always go according to my plans; life will not always be fair or pain-free; and people will not always be loving, honest, generous or loyal.

- The events in life and the actions of others impacts me, but they no longer have to impinge upon me. I can find ways to remain secure within myself and, at the same time, connected to others.

- I am not perfect, but I am sincerely committed to working on myself. I am noticing that the more I engage in my personal work, the more I find myself caring about the world and the part I am privileged to play in its co-creation.

- No matter what happens to me, I am looking for ways to remain personally grounded, i.e. no longer swayed by fear or desire.

- I want to have an unwavering sense of myself as a person of conviction while still remaining flexible. I am more able each day to drop outmoded beliefs and to become more open and inclusive, the most appropriate stance in this wonderfully various world.

- I try my best to keep my word, to honor my commitments, and to follow through on the tasks I agree to do. Accepting my limits and skills is helping me set sane boundaries on how much I offer to do for others, rather than simply be accommodating in order to please or appease others.

- I am letting go of the need to keep up appearances or to project an impressive self-image. I notice that I am more willing to appear as I am, without pretense and no matter how unflattering. As I settle into the reality of who I am, with pride in my gifts and unabashed awareness of my limits, I notice myself becoming happier.

- I am willing to work indefatigably to fulfill my life purpose but not to stress my health to acquire standing, status, fame or fortune, which are the central and often the only values in the ego's always uneasy world. My focus in life is simply on becoming a good person.

Be mindful that we aren't striving for perfection here by any means. You can jump in from whereever you are on your path. If, for example, you are in the habit of entertaining negative thoughts about yourself, just focus on listening to your inner dialogue and becoming more aware of those negative thoughts. If you are already aware of negative thoughts, make reasonable efforts to change them. If you are further along the path, practice the affirmations above until you begin to embody them.

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