We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves. - H.H. The Dalai Lama
In my last post, I talked about the global chaotic times in which we're living. And the chaos is happening on both the macro and micro levels. On the smaller scale, there is a feeling of chaos and disconnection in our relationships with other human beings. I don't think there's any question that many of us face some sort of feeling of separation or difference between ourselves and others very frequently. We encounter and experience any number of interpersonal problems often, if not on a daily basis: rudeness, fighting, power imbalances, belittling, poor communication, domestic violence, insults, neglect, bullying, discrimination, hatred, road rage, internet trolls, untruths and/or political differences. These issues and others contribute to the emotional and psychological climate of stress and anxiety I mentioned in my previous post. I believe that these problems and attitudes also contribute to our individual and collective negative perceptions and feelings of separation, fear, mistrust and even hatred of our fellow human beings.
So, in our own little worlds, and in this stressful climate, it can be easy to be petty rather than kind to another person. It can be tempting to want to lash out at someone (or even do it) rather than take a deep breath and find your patience. It can be easy to judge a stranger and focus on how they are different from you, rather than look for the ways you are the same.
These thoughts and actions -- petty or kind, harsh or patient, judgemental or empathetic -- are contributions that we make to the world every day. If you choose to act or think one way, you contribute to the anger, fear and division among all of us. If you choose to act or think the other way, you contribute to the connection, compassion and understanding among all of us. Generally, the first is the path of separation; the second is the path of wholeness. I believe that the former is a problem (or at least one of them) and the latter is a solution.
I'm sure you're familiar with the saying, "You can be part of the problem, or part of the solution." If you are reading this blog, I imagine that you would rather choose to be part of the solution. So this is the first in a series of posts on being the solution to this rampant disconnection from, and lack of compassion for, our fellow human beings.
We all know that mean people suck, but sometimes it can be difficult to avoid being one of them. Being mean, rude and impatient can be the easy choice, especially in this stressful climate, and being kind when you feel like others aren't doing the same can be very difficult. We can still be part of the solution by becoming more aware and making an effort to contribute to a more peaceful world.
So I'm starting this series off with the topics of self-love and self-respect. These inward-focused practices set the foundation for love, kindness, sympathy and compassion for others. But in order to have any successful relationship with another person, you have to love and respect yourself first.
David Richo wrote some thoughts on self-respect and lovingkindness in his collection Human Becoming, and I will share some of them below. In an excerpt from that collection, titled "Building Self-Respect and Lovingkindness", Richo writes, "The practice of loving-kindness recommends sending/giving/wishing love, compassion, joy and equanimity to ourselves and others. We beam each of the four in turn, first to ourselves, then to those we love, those toward whom we are indifferent, those with whom we have difficulties or who are enemies, and finally toward all people everywhere."
To be clear, the goal here isn't to strive to love everyone; the goal is to be part of the solution by taking steps that lead toward having compassion for ourselves and others.
And so we start with ourselves. You can use Dr. Richo's thoughts on self-love below as meditations or affirmations. You can ponder one thought each day, each week or even longer, until you feel like you embody the virtue. You can read them or say them aloud each day as aspirations or affirmations. You can use them as a checklist to chart your progress on your path to self-love.
Thoughts/Meditations on building self-love and self-respect:
- More and more, I say "yes" to the givens of human life: Everything will change and end; things will not always go according to my plans; life will not always be fair or pain-free; and people will not always be loving, honest, generous or loyal.
- The events in life and the actions of others impacts me, but they no longer have to impinge upon me. I can find ways to remain secure within myself and, at the same time, connected to others.
- I am not perfect, but I am sincerely committed to working on myself. I am noticing that the more I engage in my personal work, the more I find myself caring about the world and the part I am privileged to play in its co-creation.
- No matter what happens to me, I am looking for ways to remain personally grounded, i.e. no longer swayed by fear or desire.
- I want to have an unwavering sense of myself as a person of conviction while still remaining flexible. I am more able each day to drop outmoded beliefs and to become more open and inclusive, the most appropriate stance in this wonderfully various world.
- I try my best to keep my word, to honor my commitments, and to follow through on the tasks I agree to do. Accepting my limits and skills is helping me set sane boundaries on how much I offer to do for others, rather than simply be accommodating in order to please or appease others.
- I am letting go of the need to keep up appearances or to project an impressive self-image. I notice that I am more willing to appear as I am, without pretense and no matter how unflattering. As I settle into the reality of who I am, with pride in my gifts and unabashed awareness of my limits, I notice myself becoming happier.
- I am willing to work indefatigably to fulfill my life purpose but not to stress my health to acquire standing, status, fame or fortune, which are the central and often the only values in the ego's always uneasy world. My focus in life is simply on becoming a good person.
Be mindful that we aren't striving for perfection here by any means. You can jump in from whereever you are on your path. If, for example, you are in the habit of entertaining negative thoughts about yourself, just focus on listening to your inner dialogue and becoming more aware of those negative thoughts. If you are already aware of negative thoughts, make reasonable efforts to change them. If you are further along the path, practice the affirmations above until you begin to embody them.